He's been all over the news lately. He used to be a hot shot. Centaurs are his favorite animal. Who am I talking about? None other than Rausch Limbaugh's 3rd cousin, Mark McGwire. The media has been giving Marky quite a hard time lately about his recently confirmed usage of steroids while playing in the major leagues, even during his record breaking season. Knowing Mark as I do (not at all) I feel as though I should defend him and let out the slightly embarassing truth about his steroid use.
Mark was not a dope for doping, rather he was a humble hero. Sometime in the 1990s Mark's wife admitted to her husband that he was looking too masculine, hairly, and grizzly. She was a woman who needed a lover's gentle touch, a soft jawline, maybe even a small b cup. Being unsatisfied with Mark's over the top masculinity, she threatened to leave her husband. For Mark, this threat was tragic. His wife was the love of his life (aside from the occasional can of Spaghetti O's after practice). Mark knew he had to do something to win back the affection of his beloved spouse. So he did what any sane, honest, intelligent, grizzly man would do-he took steroids to make himself more feminine. He didn't even know these lovepills would affect his baseball playing, I mean, how would he have know that? He's no doctor. (only a doctor of love). Slowly but surely Mark began to morph into his wife's ultimate fantasy: a feminine man. His jawline softened, those pecs became 34Bs, he shaved his legs, and he started lactating (may or may not be due to steroid use). Mark put on a fat suit when he played, so no one would notice his new look. He actually fooled people into thinking he was "bulking up." Mark was too ashamed to admit to his ML buddies that he was using and abusing all for love. Recently, however, Mark has started to open up about the truth behind his steroids. "We all want to find a love potion, a magical solution that can keep us in love forever. Well I've found that and it's name is steroids." -Mark M.
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